Wicked Game
What the fuck is happening?
I try to concentrate on this fucking spell to summon some fuckery out of hell to the material plane in front of me. I had given up the idea of actually finding some sleep tonight some time ago already. So I’m doing what I’ve always been doing when I’m in an emotional turmoil – studying. But even this tried and true coping mechanism is incredibly unruly tonight and won’t surrender to me. As won’t my thoughts. Fucking annoying thoughts.
Last night had already been an emotional struggle resulting in the absolute minimum of sleep but tonight is even worse. Way worse. All these confusing emotions combined with all these intrusive thoughts are grinding down on my nerves and it feels like my sanity too. Where does all of this suddenly come from? Everything was running so smoothly, I knew what I want and what I needed and suddenly… all of this fuckery. Yesterday all this about them and tonight about him. Of all people!
I take a deep breath. Just breathe the thoughts away. Let them flow out with the air from your lungs. It’s to no avail anyhow. Intrusive thoughts just fuck with your brain. They’re not rooted in any real factual wants or needs. Just some weird phenomenon of the brain. You know this, now act like it. Alright. The spell. Concentrate. You’ve done this dozens of time since you were a child. Since the moment you were crying because of… I can’t even remember why I’ve been crying. How old was I? Eight or something? But I remember going to him crying and he took his spellbook and… Nooooooo. Stop it. Don’t think about him. And especially DO NOT think about this answer to your Sending. Don’t imagine how it must’ve looked, don’t imagine what he must’ve been doing…
Holy fucking gods and especially the Allknowing Mistress!
I throw down my writing quill, resulting in an angry, ugly splotch of ink on the expensive paper. Great. That’s not usable anymore. Angry with myself and my thoughts I crumple it up and throw it into one corner of the room. Then I get up and pace through my room to calm myself. Out of the corner of my eyes I can see that the lights are still on next door. No! Determined I close the curtains. Better. Breathe. Alright. You’ve got this. It’s just tonight. Just let it go. Just shake it off. It’s just a result of the recent past which was admittedly quite exhausting paired with a night of barely enough sleep and raw emotions. It’s just that. Spur of the moment. Thing.
I try to focus on my evening which had been fun. I try to focus on tomorrow’s event. Not that those thoughts are especially helpful and instead are leading down this whole fucking road from yesterday once more. Great. Obviously, I have the worst taste in people that trigger the most toxic emotions in me. Cool cool cool.
It’s not jealousy I’m feeling. It’s envy. And I actually don’t know what’s worse. And it unexpectedly leads me down a whole other road of this whole thing triggering my protective instinct which leads to a sudden waryness for Tharan. Which neither is good nor helpful nor healthy.
All these past months we’ve joked and speculated about it. And now that it’s suddenly happening it is completely different for me than I’d expected. But I mean who would’ve expected an outcome like this? It’s so stupid. And furthermore, it’s utterly unacceptable. I will get over this tomorrow or the day after, concentrate on basically everything else and all will be good. I wish them all the happiness and an awesome night. It sounded as if their night is indeed awesome. Naked bodies bend over the writing desk…
HOLY CRAP. Stop it.
Think of other naked bodies. Yes. Think of the knife against your throat, his length in you, your hand between her legs… No. Not good as well. As I’ve already realized a few minutes ago. Just makes feel like an ass.
I let my head sink foward and rest my forehead against my spellbook which is lying on my desk. To distract myself I let arcane energy flow through my tattoos. It always soothes me, makes me focus. I sigh.
Alright.
Obviously, I have to accept a few things right now. Pushing them away or trying to overcome them is apparently not happening tonight. But surely tomorrow or in the coming days. That’s just how it is. So. I straighten my back and take my quill back up. I’ve got this. They’re just thoughts. They’re just emotions. I’m going to deal with this how I’ve always done. I’ve learned to not be controlled by my emotions so I certainly won’t start with it tonight. It’s alright. It’s going to pass.
I know who I love. I know who I trust. I’ve learned that my body has certain needs and I’ve worked with those perfectly, admirable even these past months. Everything else is just a spur of the moment. Hormones. That’s it. Nothing real. Nothing to worry about. I will just continue behaving like I’ve been behaving these past weeks and months. I will just continue being me. Everything else will figure itself out over time. Perhaps I will talk to Krey and Ronat tomorrow night or while we’re in Rexxentrum. I certainly won’t talk to Astrid about any thoughts concerning her and Wulf and I most definitely won’t talk to Tharan or my uncle about any of this shit. Noping out of that hard. I will be happy for Tharan and my uncle for whatever they have now and I will be happy for Astrid for her new position. And with Krey and Ronat I will figure out how we can be happy. Yes. That’s what I’m going to do. And definitely not give any energy or time to any of those stupid thoughts from these nights.
I’ve got this. I’m going to wait until the morning and then go over and tell him how happy I am for him. That’s what I’ll do. And then I will realize how incredibly stupid and unacceptable this is and nothing will change how we behave with each other. A sound plan.
Great. I’ve got this.
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