The secret diary of too many girls...

Some things aren’t meant to be

With a small sigh Layanna put the letter down. She opened her little chest of drawers which also served as her nightstand as well as her wardrobe and pulled out a little wooden box. The letters LA where engraved on the top in simple letters. Layanna Amell. Though her family name stopped mattering to her a long time ago. She opened the box and placed the folded letter in it, next to the seventeen other letters from her family.

Since she was brought to the Circle ten years ago she received a letter from her mother each year to her birthday. And since then the other apprentices were bullying her because of it. At the beginning the children were jealous because they missed their families and Layanna was a welcomed target to get rid of all the frustration, fear and loneliness. Later they found reasons to exclude her because she was different, more privileged then they were though Layanna herself didn’t care about the letters. It didn’t matter to her what her older brother was doing, that he was to be wed to a woman of noble heritage or that her grandfather has died in the last year. She remembered her grandfather and is warm voice when she was sitting on his lap in her young years and he sang lullabies to her. But in the Circle you learn to forget those persons and things you held dear once in your life or your life in the Circle behind the closed doors under the ever watchful eyes of the templars would be an endless suffering. Indifference is far easier to bear than loss.

She had just tucked her little box back into her nightstand when she heard footsteps approaching. It were the loud armoury footsteps of one of the templars. Automatically, she jumped of the bed and jerked in an upright position when the door opened wondering at the same time what a templar would want in one of their bedrooms at this time of day when all the other apprentices where somewhere else to be found. She just had the leave to read the letter and than had to come back. Panic shot through her veins. She heard about some “misfortunate incidents” like this with a templar and an apprentice just before her harrowing. She relaxed a little when Cullen came around the corner further into the dormitory. She still had no clue why by Andraste he came into the dormitory at this hour but at least she knew that he was kind and fair. She smiled shyly. He nodded to her and came to a halt. His eyes were wandering over her with a furrowed brow. The feeling of being watched made her queasy and she quickly averted her gaze, trying to find something to talk about. Has she been mistaken in her evaluation of his character? She send a silent prayer to the Maker.
“I heard the letter has reached you.”
She looked back at him and nodded. “Yes. Yes it has. It surprised me that Lambert gave it to me and not you like…ehm…last year.” She narrowed her eyes. Was she babbling? Layanna Amell doesn’t babble.
“Ah yes, I had another duty to…perform so I…gave the letter to Lambert. Yes. He is a good man, you know. Very conscientious and honourable.” His brows tightened even more. Was he stuttering?
“That is..good. I presume.” She didn’t know anything else to say.
“Yes. It is,” he answered promptly. And then they both had nothing else to say. She tried to not look at him but he didn’t move an inch. The silence became more and more uneasy.

His voice was the first who broke it.
“I have a present for you.”
“What?”
“It’s your birthday, is it not? I thought…since you got your annual card and…”
“Yes. It is. But nobody really cares.”
“Someone does.” He held his hand in her direction and opened it. After a moment of hesitation where she tried to read his face, she stepped a little closer so she could reach the small token that lay in his heavy glove. It was a silvery coin with a picture of Andraste on it.
“It’s a lucky coin. For your Harrowing.”
All she could do was stare at him in baffled silence feeling that her cheeks turned an unnatural shade of red. For the blink of an eye she meant she saw a small smile creep over his lips but a moment later he made a quick bow and stomped out of the room. For the next long moments she stood in the middle of the dormitory, holding the coin in an awkward hand position before she remembered that she was expected at her lesson. She stored the coin away quickly in her letter box before she hurried out of the room.

***

Your magic is a gift, but also a curse.
And a promise of unimaginable power.

***

She woke up on her bed in the dormitory. Jowan was standing next to her bed, concerned about her wellbeing. It took a moment where Jowans words were just a blurry echo until she realised that she actually survived her Harrowing and that Jowan was talking to her. Jowan, her one and only friend here. He was pestering her with questions about the harrowing though he knew she wasn’t allowed to tell him. She knew he was afraid but the memories of the harrowing, the feeling of the lyrium in her body and a huge headache were taking her toll and she really had no inclination of answering all of his questions. So she tried to be very blunt and eventually he was annoyed enough with her that he left. She went back to bed, staring at the bottom of the upper part of the bunk bed still trying to collect her thoughts. She actually survived. She was going to be a real mage and move to the mage’s quarters. Perhaps she would even be able to leave the walls of th Circle at one stage. A complacent smile stole it’s way onto her lips.

After a while she got back up and strolled out of the dormitory when she remembered that Jowan said something about the first enchanter. Better check if she was supposed to go to him. She turned around the corner and nearly crashed into a templar who obviously was on his way to the dormitory.
“By Andraste..” She cursed under her breath and awaited a sharp rebuke. Since it didn’t came directly she looked up when the templar began to remove his helmet.
“I’m sorry. Sometimes something escapes me visually because of the helmet,” Cullen began to explain.
“That’s…alright. I guess.” She answered. Confused. The behaviour of Cullen towards her became more and more confusing.
“Oh, it’s you.I…uhm…actually went looking for you. I…am glad that your harrowing went smoothly.” He took a deep breath and looked very relieved. “They picked me to strike the killing blow if…you know…uhm…became an abomination. So I’m…uh…glad you are alright.”
“I am alright.” She nodded, getting more and more confused.
Than she remembered the gift and pulled the coin out of her little secret pocket she had sewn into the dress. Sometimes a woman has to carry some tings that she doesn’t want the templars to see, right? She smiled shyly and held the coin towards Cullen.
“Perhaps thanks to your lucky coin.”
Now it was Cullens time to be confused. He looked at her face, then to the coin and back up into her eyes. “Oh, that. It was a present! Keep it.”
“No please, take it. It helped me to survive my harrowing and it’s your lucky coin. You need it as much as I am.” First, he was hesitant but after a moment he took the silvery coin from her outstretched hand.
“Alright. I’m…glad that it perhaps has helped you. I really…wouldn’t…uhm…it would have been hard to strike.” He cleared his throat and fumbled with the coin, trying to put it into a small pouch.
“I thought that is what the templars are trained for?” She had a feeling he tried to tell her something but she couldn’t put her finger to it.
“Yes! I mean, yes of course we are but…I would’ve done it but I would’ve felt terrible about it.”
“But I would’ve been an abomination. I…” she stopped and her gaze fell down. “I hope someone will kill me swiftly when I’m not me anymore,” she added hardly audible.
“I would’ve but I…” Two cold gloved fingers pushed her chin softly up so she could look him back into the eyes. “It would’ve felt terrible loosing you.” His voice was a whisper, as quietly as her muttering. His steel-coated fingers gone in a second. Her heart started to beat hard against her breast and her stomach felt as if it was turning around in her body. Out of reflex she brought two more steps of space between them, stepping further into the hall.
“I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have. I am really sorry. Please, forgive me for overstepping boundaries.” He took a step away from her as well, holding his palms apologetically towards her, red crept into his cheeks on his shocked face. The same shock and red, that could be seen on Layannas face. All those years in the Circle has taught her all she needs to know about magic but really nothing about how to handle a situation like this. Over the years there have been a couple of other apprentices who made advances but nothing serious. She even kissed Jowan once but only for training purposes, of course. So she did the only thing she could think of – she fled.